She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
