insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
