did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
