I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Is her dick bigger than yours?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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