part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
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