she woke up with a sticky ear
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Randomize
