the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
