i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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