I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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