; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
