my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
