i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
