I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
