I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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