last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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