You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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