oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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