My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
