please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
