You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
