he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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