I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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