it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
