Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
