Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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