I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
