May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
