i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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