I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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