You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
