I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
