My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
