if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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