Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
