I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
