Capitaan dildo arrescate!
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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