somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
