i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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