I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
