Apparently you make a good broom.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
