I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I forget how to act sober
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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