I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
