If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
