Betty ford says i'm here all night
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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