I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Semen is not good for contacts.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
