Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
