I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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