Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
false alarm. still invincible.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
