Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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