just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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