I can text with my tongue
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
