yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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